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Why Perfectionism Feels Safe & How to Break Free

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BY COURTNEY PURDY,  PSY.D.

Perfectionism isn’t something we’re born with. From a young age, many of us are taught, directly or indirectly, that worth comes from flawless performance. Schools reward perfect grades, workplaces praise tireless productivity, social media showcases highlight reels, and achievement can be associated with love or approval. These repeated experiences can make it feel like being anything less than perfect is risky. Enter perfectionism as a way to regulate our emotions and feel safe.

Perfectionism is often described as a valued personality trait, a work style, or even a badge of honor. While that’s not always the case, perfectionism often functions as a way to manage uncomfortable emotions. Pushing yourself to get all the details “right” (based on “rules” that may be made-up stories in our heads or our perception of what others might think) can make you feel less anxious, less ashamed, or “good enough.”

Perfectionism isn’t usually about perfect outcomes so much as it’s about control. Control gives us a way to soothe intense emotions in the short term (though not in the long term).

Anxiety might whisper, “Get it right so nothing bad will happen.” Shame might insist, “Be perfect so no one sees your flaws.” Fear of rejection might push, “Do everything flawlessly so you’ll be accepted.”

In this way, perfectionism works a bit like a short-term painkiller. It blunts emotional discomfort in the moment. And like any short-term coping strategy, it can create long-term costs, such as burnout, reinforced self-criticism, avoidance of new opportunities, and a constant feeling that you’re “never enough.”

If perfectionism is your go-to coping strategy, it’s helpful to build a more balanced toolkit for regulating emotions. Here are some practices to try:

  • Mindful awareness of emotions: Notice emotions in your body without judgment, allowing them to pass naturally. The more we judge an emotion as something we “shouldn’t” have, the stickier it becomes and the longer it lingers.
  • Make room for discomfort: Notice anxiety or shame without rushing to solve it. We often try to problem-solve our way out of emotions. Instead, allow the feeling to be there and try naming it.
  • Self-soothing through the senses: Engage sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell to calm the nervous system. Grounding in the present can help remind you of facts rather than the stories your brain tells you are facts.
  • Self-compassion practices: When you notice harsh inner dialogue, respond with kindness. Remind yourself that emotions are normal, you’re doing your best, and mistakes happen.
  • Defuse (create distance from) from perfectionistic thoughts: Instead of “I have to get this perfect,” try “I’m having the thought that I have to get this perfect.” This creates space between you and the thought. Remember: you are not your thoughts, and thoughts and emotions are not facts.
  • Opposite action: If perfectionism urges you to over-prepare, intentionally do something “good enough” and sit with the discomfort this brings. Shift from “most efficient” to “still effective.”
  • Practice flexibility in small doses: Leave minor imperfections (a typo in an email, a slightly crooked yoga mat, a few wrinkles in your shirt) and riding the wave of discomfort.

Perfectionism can feel protective, and it often keeps us stuck in a cycle of anxiety, overwork, and self-criticism. By building a wider set of emotion regulation strategies, you can be in the driver’s seat of your life instead of your emotions.

Courtney Purdy, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in Coping Skills, Relationship Issues and Anxiety. Areas of expertise include: Anger Management, Bisexual, Body Positivity, Depression, Family Conflict, Lesbian, LGBTQ+, Life Transitions, Mood Disorders, Peer Relationships, Personality Disorders, Self Esteem, Sleep or Insomnia, Stress, and Women’s Issues. To learn more about Dr. Purdy and to schedule a free 15 minute consultation, click here or call (561) 559-6371. For more information about Dr. Purdy and her practice, visit https://www.purdypsychology.com/.

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Building Your Mental Health Toolkit

BY COURTNEY PURDY,  PSY.D.

Often when we consider mental health, it’s associated with a crisis moment, a “problem,” or the times when life feels overwhelming, painful, or out of control. The truth is, mental health isn’t just something we need to pay attention to when things fall apart. It’s something we nurture (or neglect) every day, in small, meaningful ways.

Just like we take care of our physical bodies with balanced meals, movement, and sleep, our mental and emotional wellbeing needs daily attention too. Building simple habits into your routine can help protect and strengthen your mental health, making you more resilient during both the good times and the hard ones.

Mental health care can be a part of your everyday wellness to help you grow, explore, and curate a life aligned with your values.

Here are some options for building your mental health toolkit:

1.  Anchor Your Day with One Grounding Practice

Choose something that helps you feel centered and connected to yourself. Some options:

  • Five minutes of deep breathing in the morning. Starting your day with slow, intentional breathing can calm your nervous system and help you feel more grounded before the demands of the day begin. Deep breathing stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, the part of your body responsible for rest and relaxation.
  • Writing down three things you’re grateful for. Gratitude practices have been shown to boost mood, lower stress, and even improve sleep. Taking a few moments daily to notice and write down things you’re grateful for can gently shift your brain’s focus toward what’s going well, helping to balance out our natural negativity bias and create a foundation of resilience.
  • A quick body scan meditation before bed. A short body scan meditation can help you reconnect with your physical body after a busy day spent mostly in your mind. It focuses you to notice and soften areas of tension, promoting physical relaxation and mental stillness. Practicing this before bed can help signal to your brain that it’s time to wind down and rest.

Even small rituals send the message to your brain that you matter.

2. Create a Supportive Environment and Community

Our surroundings, and the people we spend time with, impact our mental state more than we often realize. Some options:

  • Find a calming object (like a smooth stone, a cozy blanket, or a favorite book). Having a small, tangible object that brings comfort can act as a subtle and powerful anchor during stressful moments. Sensory reminders can help ground you in the present and evoke a sense of safety and calm.
  • Be mindful of how and when you expose yourself to distressing news or social media. Staying informed is important, and constant exposure to distressing news can take a real toll on mental health. Setting healthy boundaries around news consumption, whether that’s limiting screen time (especially before bed), choosing trusted sources, or taking full breaks, is essential. These boundaries should be flexible and adapt to your needs in a given moment or season of life.
  • Change your phone background to something that feels good (like quotes, photos, or affirmations). And when you realize you’ve stopped savoring it… change it up!
  • Prioritize time with people who make you feel safe, supported, and seen. Social connection is essential for mental health. As social creatures, feeling part of a supportive community, whether that’s friends, family, a faith group, a team, or even an online space, can help buffer against stress, loneliness, and anxiety.

Your environment and relationships can be quiet but powerful allies in your everyday mental wellbeing.

3. Identify Your Go-To Coping Tools

Emotions are like waves, they come and go. It can be helpful to have coping strategies already thought out, so you’re not scrambling when you need help riding the wave. Some options:

  • Taking a short walk outside. Be sure to bring your brain with you! Try to shift off auto-pilot and be curious about your surroundings, even if they are familiar.
  • Texting or calling a trusted friend. Back to the idea of us being social creatures. Sometimes it helps to talk through something with someone you trust. Pro tip: Ask them if they have the time to listen and clarify what you’re looking for (a space to vent, feedback, help). If you’re unsure, start by asking for a space to vent and see where it takes you.
  • Create both a calming and an energizing playlist. Research consistently shows that music can significantly influence emotional states by activating brain regions involved in emotion regulation, such as the amygdala and prefrontal cortex. Listening to calming or uplifting music can lower levels of cortisol (the stress hormone), reduce anxiety, and even boost the release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and motivation.
  • Practice grounding techniques like the 5-4-3-2-1 Method. This is a grounding exercise that helps you reconnect with the present moment when you feel overwhelmed. It’s a quick and powerful way to slow down racing thoughts and anchor yourself back in your body and surroundings. Try naming 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.

When you have a plan, tough moments feel a little more manageable.

4. Schedule Mental Health Check-Ins With Yourself

Set a recurring reminder (weekly or monthly) to pause and ask yourself:

  • How am I feeling emotionally?
  • What’s been giving me energy? What’s been draining me?
  • What’s one small thing I can do to take care of myself this week?

Preventive care for your mental health is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, no crisis required.

The more you invest in small, steady practices in the short term, the stronger and steadier you’ll feel in the long term. You deserve to thrive, not just survive!

Courtney Purdy, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in Coping Skills, Relationship Issues and Anxiety. Areas of expertise include: Anger Management, Bisexual, Body Positivity, Depression, Family Conflict, Lesbian, LGBTQ+, Life Transitions, Mood Disorders, Peer Relationships, Personality Disorders, Self Esteem, Sleep or Insomnia, Stress, and Women’s Issues. To learn more about Dr. Purdy and to schedule a free 15 minute consultation, click here or call (561) 559-6371. For more information about Dr. Purdy and her practice, visit https://www.purdypsychology.com/.

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Mindfulness: A Path to Greater Emotional Well-Being

BY COURTNEY PURDY,  PSY.D.

Mindfulness is the practice of paying purposeful attention to the present moment, with acceptance and without judgment. It involves observing your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and the environment around you as they arise, without attempting to change or react to them. The goal is to cultivate a state of awareness and presence, allowing you to experience life as it unfolds, rather than getting caught up in the past or future. Importantly, mindfulness is not about trying to control your thoughts or feelings; it’s about observing them without attaching to them or trying to change them. A thought is just a thought, and a feeling is just a feeling. You are not your thoughts or your feelings.

Mindfulness practice can be formal, such as through meditation, where you dedicate time to sit quietly and focus on your breath or bodily sensations. It can also be informal, where you bring mindful awareness to everyday activities like eating, walking, or even talking.

Think of your brain as a muscle. Mindfulness practices help strengthen different areas of the brain, much like physical exercise strengthens muscles. Regular practice increases activity in areas responsible for decision-making, attention, and self-regulation. It also strengthens areas linked to emotional regulation and conflict resolution. Amazingly, mindfulness can even reduce the size of the brain’s “fear center” (the amygdala), which can help shift your experience of stress, anxiety, and emotional reactivity, ultimately lowering the intensity of emotional responses. Brain imaging studies show that regular mindfulness practice enhances connectivity between various brain regions, improving cognitive flexibility and helping us manage stress more effectively. These neurological changes contribute to improved emotional regulation, greater resilience to stress, and enhanced focus and attention—making mindfulness a powerful tool for mental well-being

Ways to Practice:

  1. We often use the phrase, “I know this like the back of my hand.” But how often do you actually take a moment to observe your hands? Try spending three minutes simply focusing on your hands. Notice any judgments or stories that arise, and gently redirect your attention when you become distracted.
  2. Tune into your body by slowly scanning from head to toe, noticing sensations without judgment. This practice helps you ground yourself in the present moment.
  3. Focus on the sensation of your breath entering and leaving your body. You can either observe the natural rhythm of your breath or count to four on the inhale, hold for four, and then exhale for four.
  4. Choose an object, a sound, or even a task (like washing dishes) and engage fully, noticing every detail with curiosity.
  5. Use everyday activities to practice mindfulness! Focus on being fully present while brushing your teeth, using the bathroom, eating, or walking.

Protip:

If your mind wanders 100 times during your practice, gently bring it back to your focus 100 times. Noticing that your mind has wandered is part of the practice. Reorienting to what you want to focus on—rather than following where your mind has wandered—is practice itself.

Courtney Purdy, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in Coping Skills, Relationship Issues and Anxiety. Areas of expertise include: Anger Management, Bisexual, Body Positivity, Depression, Family Conflict, Lesbian, LGBTQ+, Life Transitions, Mood Disorders, Peer Relationships, Personality Disorders, Self Esteem, Sleep or Insomnia, Stress, and Women’s Issues. To learn more about Dr. Purdy and to schedule a free 15 minute consultation, click here or call (561) 559-6371.

 

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The Science and Benefits of Gratitude: How Appreciation Changes Your Mind and Life

BY COURTNEY PURDY,  PSY.D.

Gratitude involves noticing the goodness in the world, but it doesn’t mean ignoring the challenges or difficult moments that everyone faces from time to time. In fact, gratitude helps ensure that, in the midst of life’s struggles, we don’t lose sight of the good. Connecting to gratitude has several benefits. It can help us feel more grounded and peaceful, strengthen our relationships by fostering connection and appreciation, and increase our sense of security in those relationships. Gratitude also promotes generosity and supports healthy, reciprocal interactions.

Unfortunately, positive emotions can be fleeting—they can slide off us like Teflon. Practicing gratitude helps us hold onto those positive emotions longer, celebrate the good in our lives that we might otherwise overlook, and revisit our “highlight reel.”

Research has found that gratitude can improve mood and reduce depressive symptoms. Studies also show that we tend to be more grateful for experiences than for material possessions.

One theory to explain this is that experiences are less likely to trigger social comparisons, which are known to steal joy. Experiences also tend to focus our attention on our own personal circumstances, expanding feelings of appreciation, happiness, and contentment.

When we experience gratitude, certain areas of the brain are activated, including the ventral and dorsal medial prefrontal cortex. These areas are involved in feelings of reward, morality, interpersonal bonding, positive social interactions, and the ability to empathize with others. Practicing gratitude can increase neurochemicals like dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin—chemicals that promote feelings of closeness, connection, and happiness. Moreover, gratitude has a cumulative effect: the more we practice it, the more the brain learns to focus on positive experiences. This is especially useful because humans are hardwired with a negativity bias—we tend to notice threats in our environment as a survival mechanism. When we focus too much on the negative, gratitude can help shift our attention to the positive, training the brain to spend more time on the “feel-good” moments and less on the things that bring us down. Research suggests that holding onto a feeling of gratitude for just 20 seconds can trigger positive structural changes in the brain.

Prompts to help you practice flexing your gratitude muscles:

  1. Identify three things you feel grateful for in your life. These can be based on the past, present, or future. No thing is too big or too small to appreciate, though being specific might help deepen your gratitude.
  2. Identify three things you take for granted but are thankful for. We all have things we take for granted. Reflect on what those are and consider which ones you value most.
  3. Identify three things you appreciate about yourself. Focus on qualities, actions, or characteristics that are meaningful to you.
  4. Identify three things you feel grateful for about your current experience. Be in the present moment. What can you appreciate about your experience right now? Consider your environment, the time you’re taking for your well-being, or even something as simple as the chair supporting you.
  5. Identify three people who have had a significant and positive impact on your life. These could be coaches, mentors, family members, or anyone else who has made a difference. Reflect on how they influenced your life for the better.

Courtney Purdy, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in Coping Skills, Relationship Issues and Anxiety. Areas of expertise include: Anger Management, Bisexual, Body Positivity, Depression, Family Conflict, Lesbian, LGBTQ+, Life Transitions, Mood Disorders, Peer Relationships, Personality Disorders, Self Esteem, Sleep or Insomnia, Stress, and Women’s Issues. To learn more about Dr. Purdy and to schedule a free 15 minute consultation, click here or call (561) 559-6371.

 

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Empowering Conversations and Actions: A Guide for Suicide Prevention Month

BY COURTNEY PURDY,  PSY.D.

September marks Suicide Prevention Month, presenting a crucial opportunity to address stigma, consider difficult conversations, foster resilience, and raise awareness about mental health and suicide prevention resources.

Breaking the Stigma

Struggling with mental health issues often brings feelings of shame, which is the belief that “I am bad.” This shame leads individuals to hide their struggles, further perpetuating the belief that they should not share their experiences. One of the most effective ways to combat shame is to confide in a trusted person. This act of sharing can foster the strength to seek help, illicit empathy, and help individuals realize they are not alone. Talking about mental health struggles helps increase perception of support for most people involved in the conversation.

How to Have Difficult Conversations

Before starting a difficult conversation, it’s essential to self-regulate and consider your approach. Take deep breaths and ground yourself. Define for yourself the goal of the discussion and consider how you want to act or not act to achieve that goal. Discussing your approach with a trusted person beforehand can also help you feel more prepared. Approach the conversation with curiosity, empathy, and validation. Ask for permission to discuss the topic (better to know if the answer is “no” before you start), avoid assuming you know the other person’s feelings or experiences, use open-ended questions, allow silence for reflection, and prioritize expressing understanding before offering solutions. Practice acceptance that this conversation may be the first of many as either of you may need to take a break or take time to process. Additionally, provide reassurance for taking self-care steps and offer practical help in finding mental health resources.

Promoting Resilience

Think of yourself as a houseplant with complex emotions. Just as you would care for a plant, tend to your well-being by taking prescribed medications, following treatment plans from your doctors, eating balanced meals, avoiding drugs and alcohol, practicing good sleep hygiene, and exercising regularly. Your overall wellness also involves social support, lifestyle choices, self-talk, and the content you consume. Align your life with your values, engage in challenging activities for a sense of accomplishment, seek positive experiences, and practice mindfulness. This is a tall order so you may want to consider seeking help (dietician, medical doctor, mental health professional, physical therapy, etc) on whatever areas you think could use improvement on. You do not have to take care of your houseplant all by yourself.

Risk Factors

Suicide is a complex and multifaceted issue, often accompanied by deep emotional and psychological struggles. Risk factors can vary across age, cultural backgrounds, and individual circumstances. Common factors to be aware of include persistent feelings of hopelessness, drastic changes in behavior, withdrawal from social activities, and expressions of self-harm or suicidal thoughts.

Resources

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
● Phone Number: 988
● Website: https://988lifeline.org

National Crisis Text Line
● Phone Number: Text HOME to 741741
● Website: https://www.crisistextline.org

National Alliance on Mental Illness – Palm Beach County
● Phone Number: 561-833-HELP (561-833-4357)
● Website: https://namipbc.org/crisis-info/

Courtney Purdy, Psy.D. is a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in Coping Skills, Relationship Issues and Anxiety. Areas of expertise include: Anger Management, Bisexual, Body Positivity, Depression, Family Conflict, Lesbian, LGBTQ+, Life Transitions, Mood Disorders, Peer Relationships, Personality Disorders, Self Esteem, Sleep or Insomnia, Stress, and Women’s Issues. To learn more about Dr. Purdy and to schedule a free 15 minute consultation, click here or call (561) 559-6371.

 

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